Why do we always worry about love and being in love? Why do we always worry about where and when it is going to happen? Why do we dwell on the pains of our past loves and let them lurk in the shaddows of our heart to shape and mould or thoughts of love of today and maybe even tomorrow? Even if we were to fall in love there is always the thought that this is too good to be true and the shadows of our past pains and heartache wait to jump out and strike again until you lose all love that you have. I have been in love a few times but as you can tell I have had my heart broken to the point that I am scared to fall in love again. I keep my heart protected by bitterness and chains with locks that dont have any keys. I am scared that if I allow myself to fall in love again that my already fragile heart will get broken again to the point it will not be able to mend itself. Instead of allowing myself to fall in love I push those close to me away so that I am the only one responsible for the pain that I may feel. It is a contradiction in a sort because I long to be loved but am unable to allow it to happen. You think that you know me but really you dont... no one is able to know me cause half the time I dont even know myself. My mind is a ticking bomb with so many thoughts and images racing through it that it makes me dizzy and difficult to keep up. My thoughts keep me awake at night to the point I sit here and watch the hands on the clock reach 3 and 4 in the morning. I may be tired by body but my mind is still racing with thoughts that I dont want to think... thoughts that hide in the shaddows of my consciousness until I get ready to close my eyes at night... so here I sit rambling on waiting for my mind to go numb from exhaustion in hopes of a peaceful sleep. A sleep with no thoughts and hopefully no dreams... or dreams that I am unable to remember once I wake from my short slumber. I cannot rely on sleeping pills to help me sleep cause I am a mother that has to listen for her child in the night and besides I hate pills so I would end up forgetting to take them anyways. I try to keep a journal or a diary so that I can empty my thoughts on to paper but unless I am stoned the paper sits there unmarked by my pen because I dont know where to begin or how to get the thoughts that race through my head onto that blank piece of paper. And no I am not high right now I am in one of those rare frame of minds where I am able to ramble on and the words are just flowing through my finger tips and onto the keys of my keyboard. You see I am just a messed up person with messed up thoughts that seem to have taken over my life. All is well during the daylight hours cause I am able to keep myself busy and push the thoughts deep into my subconsciousness... but it seems that they lurk in the darkness and when I should be preparing to wind down so that I am able to sleep the race begins and there is never an end is sight... I just sit up awake until the wee hours of the morning waiting for either my eyelids to get to heavy to stay open or until my mind is numb enough to fall asleep...
No comments:
Post a Comment