An Inner Thought....

Have you ever sat and wondered why? I have many times. For many different reasons. Yet I don't always get an answer to my why. Maybe one day I will. One day I hope to find the answer to my why and then be able to understand.
This "why" is very personal and is a part of my very being. I ask myself why it is so hard to find a true love that will stay with me. To share with me a life of love and honour and commitment. Of friendship and trust and passion. Of the great and the bad and the indifference. To share my heart and my mind and my body and soul. Everything that I have to offer.
I seem to be good enough for part but never the whole. To play and pretend but never for real. Never forever. Never as a happy ending.
Just tell me why and maybe it will no longer hinder me and who I am. Who I want to be and who I will become. Just tell me why so that I can fill the empty void within me.

Very Frustrated and Feeling Used....

I just don't understand what the problem is. Why all of a sudden things have changed. I was so excited to have you back in my life and things were going great between us. I knew and accepted that there are limits to the thing we have going on, but this is just crazy. I don't understand why after what I had done for you you are treating me this way. I just don't understand how hard it is to say hello or hey or just a simple message back letting me know you are still there.
You told me that you didn't want to ruin a good thing yet I am wondering how good you actually think it is. I feel used and played and just totally frustrated with how things seem to have played out. I am starting to think that it was just a too good to be true moment or something for you until something better came along. Is that what it was? I would really like to know. Well I hope that you can come to your senses soon and realize that I deserve at least an ounce of respect and consideration through all this, and if you have changed your mind as to what you want from me then at least be man enough to tell me.
I really like what I thought we had going on and really don't want to end it but I will not be treated like this. Above and beyond the crap we are still friends and friends don't do this to each other.
I hope you find it in yourself to be man enough to give me answers. I can only be patient for so long before I give up and write off to the whole thing and say be done with it.

Just Some Rambling...

It has been 1o years since I have last seen you or even heard your voice and then the other day you literally pop back into my life. It is like nothing has changed... we have picked up where we left off. The energy is still the same and you are still able to make me feel the way you did all those years ago. Yet you are many miles away and I wish you were near. Over the years you have never been a memory forgotten, many times I have wondered where you were and what you were up to. You are someone that has always held a special place within my heart, kept locked away to be cherished forever, never to be forgotten. Just the mention of your name and memories come flooding back to me. Moments we had shared over the course of time... always putting a smile on my face and keeping me wanting moreI have always felt that a strong connection between two people is there for a reason. Sometimes the reason is unknown but yet you cannot fight it nor do you want to. I sit here and think about all the things we have said and done and wonder what there is to come. Back then you were able to open me up to new ideas and possibilities, stretching my heart and mind beyond its abilities... and here I find you doing it still leaving me wondering who I really am and what I am truly capable of. You are a shining light in the darkness of my lonely existence.
~yours in all sincerity~
Me

Robert Lost his first tooth

I am a little late writing about this but on Monday Robert has lost his first tooth! I am such a proud mama! Here is a pic of him with the new hole in his mouth! LOL! And of course he is all happy cause the tooth fairy was very generous and gave him $5 for it! LOL!

A Letter From the Heart

I am trying to sit here and clear my head. Do some greatly needed soul searching. Over the last couple of days I have had some strong feelings arise unexpectedly. I need to figure out what I want to do with them.
What DO I want? That is the million dollar question. Here I am 6 years since I have talked to you last, 9 years since we last broke up and 14 years since the day we first met. And you are still able to make my heart skip a beat and take my breath away. That I did not expect to happen.
Do you remember the first day we met? I do, as if it were only yesterday. It was the day I truly believed in love at first sight. It was the day that a complete stranger came up to me and said "Don't I get a hug?". The only thing I could do was step into that embrace and pray that you didn't feel my heart racing. I knew from that moment on that you would become someone special in my life.
Through those years that we dated there was nothing I could do but fall in love with you even more. I had given you my heart and soul and believed we would be together forever. Everyone did.
Yet somehow we drifted apart and I moved on. We both did.And I made myself believe that this was the way it was meant to be. Yet now I honestly don't know. I am starting to think that I let something go when I should have held on tight. But now it is too late and I am wanting something that I no longer have the right to want.
We are different people now. We are no longer teenagers in highschool trying to find thier place in life. Now I must ask myself if I am only wanting something that is based on how I felt all those years ago or is this real and all about now. To be honest I think it is a bit of both. I will never forget how I felt all those years ago and am sure this is some of those feelings resufacing. But I also believe this is about now, and how I am feeling today.
It is about how today as I sit here and stare at your picture my heart continues to skip a beat. It is about today as I sit here and stare at your picture and my love for you is as strong as ever. It is about today as I sit here and wonder if you come close to feeling the same way. Wondering what is going through your head and what YOU want.
I know you feel something too but what you feel I am not completely sure. Are you feeling the tidal wave of raw emotions just like I am? I need to know if we are treading in the same place unsure of where to go. Or are you standing on a solid ground, knowing exactly what you want? And if so what is it?
I respect the fact that this is not easy on either of our parts. But no matter what, even though I have these feelings and would love to be able to act upon them, I won't unless it is a mutual decision. It would be a big leap of faith for the both of us and I respect if you decide that you cannot. I respect you and the life you have now but I had to be true to myself and take this leap of my own. I had to take the risk and find out if I was wrong to feel this way. I had to be true to you and to be honest I had to be true to the both of us and lay all my cards on the table face up. No tricks. No hidden agendas. This is a risk I had to take knowing my heart may end up broken again. I just had to do this so down the road there would be no more regrets.
I love you. Three simple words yet so many complications are attatched. There is my million dollar question answered. Now the question is what now? It is all up to you cause no matter what I decide you have to decide too. I will not fight for something that cannot be fought for. I am leaving it all up to you now for you to do as you feel is right for you.

Love always,
Me

Taking a break...

I want to say sorry for not posting regularily lately. I have decided to take a break from working on this blog and work on switching things over to my new blog that was designed using the beta. Once I get it up and running then I will be posting more regularily.

"I don't want to!"

I am really tired of hearing those words! My niece is turning two very soon and we are getting a really good preview of what the terrible two's are going to be like! I don't like it at all! She is definitely very different from the way my son and my nephew were when they were her age! Her mother has actually asked if we can ship her away for a year! (kidding!) We have dealt with nothing other than "I don't want to" especially when it comes to going to sleep. She is actually so stubborn that she will stay awake for hours when she is supposed to be sleeping! Last night she woke up at 1:30am and didn't go back to sleep until 5:30-6am! Man was she a crank today! We are also dealing with shrieking for no reason, her throwing her food all over the floor when she wants attention or if she isn't in the mood to eat... you name it and she is doing it. She is a little girl that tries to run her own world and it is hard to get her to realize that it won't always go her way! She is cute and I love her to pieces but I miss the quiet little baby that she used to be! She is truly a high maintenance diva!!!

Finally!

Finally I can access my blog! I am sorry for not posting lately but I have been having trouble logging into my blog since Blogger decided to launch the new beta. Who would have thought that Blogger and Google were going to merge and mess up how I log onto my blog! Well since I havent been able to log onto here i have decided to open a new blog using the new beta to see if it is any better. Well there are things that i do like but there are things that are frustrating there too... so before i move this blog over there I am just going to continue quietly building the other one and also posting here... so if I am not here for a few days you know where I am.

Thursday Thirteen #3

13 Things From My Past...

1. I used to be a strong member in the pentecostal church but am now questioning my faith in churches. I will always believe in God but have lost all faith in organized churches since the church that I had called home for so long betrayed me when I needed them the most.
2. When I felt betrayed by my church I strayed to the wrong side of the tracks and ended up smuggling coccaine into England. Was lucky enough to not be charged for it and I can't believe that I actually did it.
3. I suffer from depression and have felt betrayed by many in whom I thought were close friends that would be there forever. It seems that I am not allowed to do wrong but they are.
4. I have been engaged 5 times but have never walked down the aisle. Just have really bad taste with whom I fall in love with!
5. I suffer from insomnia because I need to drain my brain before I fall asleep to keep the nightmares away. Have had continuous nightmares since I was a kid. I had one that I couldn't get rid of until I was 20.
6. I don't remember my biological father. He was not allowed to be part of my life since I was 4.
7. My father was killed by lightening when I was 10 or 11... I still remember the day my mom found out.
8. I met my fathers side of the family when I was 20 and learned that I had a half brother and sister... they are great
9. I didn't start experimenting with drugs and sex until I was 19... never thought I would touch drugs (don't really any more) and always thought I would wait until marriage to have sex... now I am a single un-wed mother
10. I used to skip school to hangout at the pool hall since I was always ahead in my classes... became a really good pool player! *lol
11. When I was 6 I dented my kneecap when I tried to climb the kitchen counters to get something out of the cupboards... had to take the whole cupboard door to the hospital with me attatched to my knee... it took eighteen stitches and I still have the scar
12. When I was in grade 3 we lived in Toronto and a girl in grade 4 wanted my earrings and when I wouldn't give them to her she pounded my head against the brick wall outside. The school, parents or police wouldn't do anything about it so my mom and my nieghbour would take turns walking me to school and sitting in the playground.
13. When we were kids my sister who is 3 and 1/2 years younger than me would pick on me and beat me up... my mom would tell me to hit her back or whatever but I said that I couldn't because she was my sister... it took me four years and many times of her pulling on the bobbles in my hair and letting them go that I finally stood up to her and hit her back... i took the biggest hardest book I could find and hit her over the head with it... my mom was so proud of me! *lol*

*note* I have made many mistakes in my past but I have used them as learning experiences to shape who I am today.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. e
2. Kailani
3. Deanna
4. Jenny Ryan
5. Benson659
6. Nancy
7. Kelli
8. Kristarella
9. Southern Girl
10. Something's Missing
11. TC
12. Nicole (the great)
13. Barbara
14. Lyn
15. Dane Bramage
16. Mama Duck
17. Zoe
18. You Could Be Here!



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things I Do To Relax



1... Browse on the internet... I find it very relaxing to chat in the forums that I belong to, read and respond to my emails, chat to my friends on messenger, post my blogs and do anything on the internet! There is so much you can explore through the internet that it is fun, relaxing and very enjoyable
2... Sing!... Yes I love to sing! Whether it be singing along to the radio or a cd or just belting out a tune alcapelo it is not uncommon to hear me sing a tune.... I even use singing to the kids as an excuse to work my singing voice!
3... Write.... I like to write whether it be a letter to a loved one or an entry in one of my blogs or a peom or whatever I find writing to be a great way to relax. As a person that suffers from depression I find that once my thoughts are put down on paper (or on the computer) it is easier to move on in a more relaxing manner.
4... Knit/Crochet/Cross stitch... I am very artsy and creative so being able to use those abilities is very relaxing for me... it is not uncommon to see me working on a project or in my son's scrapbook late into the night. I just get lost in what I am doing and find it an easy way to unwind.
5... Play the piano... I may not be the best but I have always loved the piano and even though I dont have the space for my ever wanted baby grand piano I do have a nice keyboard tha suffices and lets me get lost in the feel of the music that I play.
6... sit in a dark room lit up with as many candles as I can find reading a really good book.... I havent had the time to do this in a long time but it is very relaxing and once again can last late into the night!
7... Cook/Bake... I LOVE to cook! The more people I can cook for the better! When we had another family living with us, putting 3 families under one roof, there were 11 people to cook for. Everyone hated to think of where to begin but I was just in heaven! It has to do with the fact of knowing that many people were satisfied by and enjoyed the meal that I put infront of them!
8... Go for a walk.... There is nothing like going for a walk to wind down and relax. I find that if I am stressed or busy and take the time to go for a walk I am able to see the good things that surround me and the fresh air relaxes me enough to think with a clear uncluttered head.
9... Talk to Myself... You may think it is funny or deranged that I am admitting that I talk to myself but it is something that I have always done! Once again as someone who suffers from depression it has been something that works for me when I need to clear my head to be able to proceed in my day. Once you say something outloud the thought is moved to another part of the brain and then you dont worry about it as much... or at least that is what I tell myself and it works. So if you ever meet me and find me talking to myself I am not crazy... well maybe a little, I am just doing what I have always done! *lol*
10.. Watch T.V. ... I have always enjoyed watching t.v. to relax. It isnt one of my best ways to relax and does take longer for my body and mind to wind down but when I am really interested in the show it does work! I will admit though that I am not a big t.v. watcher even though it is on all the time... I am so used to hearing the t.v. all day while the kids have it on while they play that it has become a soothing background sound as I complete the tasks that I am doing.
11... Watch my son sleep... If I am depressed or stressed I find watching my son sleep peacefully reminds me of the innocence of a child and how they see life through thier eyes. I also remind myself that no matter how hard things are I have been blessed with the most precious gift of all.... a child! That makes all my worries go away and I just sit there and watch the peaceful sleeping of the best thing that has ever happened to my life!
12... Reorganize... I find that when I am stressed or upset reorganizing is my way of giving myself a fresh start and the ability to see things in a new way. It may be something small like moving a knick-knack from here to there to redoing a whole room. Whatever it be it works for me.
13... Sleep... or try to sleep! On top of suffering from depression I also suffer from insomnia! So it is hard to get to sleep at night! But once I do get to sleep I am able to relax and let my body recharge! When I wake up I feel better and am able to start on a new page!




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. e
2. Kailani
3. Deanna
4. Jenny Ryan
5. Benson659
6. Nancy
7. Kelli
8. Kristarella
9. Southern Girl
10. Something's Missing
11. TC
12. Nicole (the great)
13. Barbara
14. Lyn
15. Dane Bramage
16. Mama Duck
17. Zoe
18. You Could Be Here!



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

A Meme

I found this meme while I was reading another blog tonight and I thought it would be a perfect blog to post since I don't know what to say today. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head but havent been able to put them into words yet! lol

Your Birthdate: October 18

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause. You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too. Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others. You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress. Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities Your power color: Crimson red Your power symbol: Snowflake Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Tonight I really hate drunk people!

Tonight we decided to go out for a few drinks... me, T and her mom. What do we end up doing? First T drags us to Aylmer to a BX93 video dance party which was ok but I just could not get into a groove to dance so a little thumbs down... good music but just wasnt in the mood! Ya you must think something is wrong with me cause I really love to dance and do it every chance I get! After we were done there we decided to make last call at Norma Jeans all the way back in London! Did we make itÉ Yes we did! Now when we got there I was in the mood to dance and stepped on the dance floor right away! But do you think I could dance? Noooooo... first it is a really small dance floor and there were too many people but ok I am used to that. What I couldnt handle and really hate is all the people that are drunk and bump into you... you finally find a way to move away from them so that you can dance and what do they do they follow you and take over the space that you just left!! Man I was ready to start shoving some people back because I am not a bumper pad for drunk people on the dance floor!!! I hate to disappoint you but we left in time that I didnt have to resort to bumping and shoving back... or running at the mouth that I sometimes like to do.... instead we went outside, grabbed a sausage at the vendor and got into our car and drove home... and just so you know we werent drunk so that is maybe why it pissed me off that much more! lol well hey if none of that happened then I guess I wouldnt have had anything to post about now would I? Anyways it is 3am and I need sleep.... I have been tired all day so now it is catching up to me and I can barely keep my eyes open! Have a good one!

Thursday Thirteen #1

Thirteen Things about Me... LadyLaker!




1... I am 27 and still get carded everywhere! *lol*
2... I am a Libra
3... I am a proud single mother
4... My son is my world and my everything!
5... I am very creative in many different ways
6... I love to sing and dance!
7... I am very outspoken and not afraid to say what is on my mind
8... I will write letters of complaint if I think it is necessary! *lol*
9... I will do anything for the people that I care about
10. I am a fairly new blogger and am having fun learning all sorts of things! (thanks Jacq!)
11.. I suffer from insomnia so don't be surprised to see that I have posted at 3 in the morning!
12.. I have had sex with someone of the same sex as me once
13.. I am very competetive! *lol*




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. e
2. Kailani
3. Deanna
4. Jenny Ryan
5. Benson659
6. Nancy
7. You could be here!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Hot Spots From My Holidays

OK I am back from my mini vacation in Barrie where I went to visit family and friends. To be honest I had a great time. I was able to relax! And I was amazed that other than a mini fight with my sister the night before I was heading back home it was a peaceful visit... I guess we all remembered to smoke our peacepipes before I got there! *lol*
Ok in all honesty I loved it... I did go out a little but for the most part I stuck close to the house and enjoyed the time with my parents and my sister's family who live in the basement! It was nice to see my nephew for a few days without being rushed! He is such a cutie and he had a great time playing with Robert! He would come up the stairs every morning hollering for Robert to join him for breakfast! It was sweet!
We also had many trips to the nursing home to see Nonna. She wasn't too pleased with me when I moved Robert and I here to London and she misses us very much. Even through all her pain and psych meds she was able to enjoy our little trips for coffee each day. Robert is one of her little benne ricca's and he loves going to visit her and everyone else at the nursing home! It was nice to see her for more than a few minutes since we don't know exactly how much long she will be with us. I keep telling everyone that even though her health isn't that great she is from a family of strong Italian women where they tend to live long lives. I think she will fight as long as she can!
I also got to go out for dinner with a few friends to a bar/restaurant called Sticky Fingers. We were going to check out one of the cooks that my friend Kathy has a thing for... he is not bad! The fun part was how we were all plotting on how we would embarrass her! We didn't of course but it was fun to see her face go red anyways! After dinner that night Kathy, Kim and I decided to go out for some drinks and dancing. I thought it would be nice to go to a club that I used to in the old days.. mistake... I forgot about the feeling of being a sardine and I didn't like the fact that we were almost the oldest people there. We decided to leave and go back to Sticky's and let Kathy oogle over her cook! We had a blast... she thought he would think it crazy that we were there twice in one night but Kim and I played drunk really well and he didn't think twice... men are so easy to fool! *lol*
But as far as that story goes that is not the end! We went back for dinner the night before I had to come home so that Kathy could spend some time with Robert. This time it was Kathy, Robert and I and Kathy's highschool friend Cheri. We once again had a blast teasing Kathy about her cook and then it dawned on me... when the waitress brought us our bill there was aa comment card with it. I decided to comment on the restaurant as well as thank Joe for the wonderful food he had cooked us... Kathy read it and was scared about me handing it in! Well I gave it to the waitress and she put it in the comment box for me!!! I know I am so mean... but that isn't all! I also wrote her cell number on a napkin and asked another waitor that we knew dave to give it to Joe for Kathy. She couldn't believe what I did... that time her face was really red and I think she was ready to kill me! *lol* Don't worry I knew that I was allowed to give him her number before hand I just did it in a way that she didn't expect and was funny! And it all worked out in the end cause as she told me later she ended up hanging out with him later in the night! See I am a good friend even if it takes a while to realize it! Ha ha ha!
So all in all that was pretty much my trip to Barrie... or at least the highlites other than our usual trips for family dinners at Eastside Mario's with Nonna or to the Manderin since we all love Chinese food so much! I hope I didn`t disappoint you! *grins*

Taking a Break

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am taking a break for a week. I am going to go to Barrie to spend some time with family and friends! I am very excited and cant wait to see everyone! I dont know if I will get the chance to get online at all while I am there so that is why I am letting you know where I am going to be! Have a great week everyone and I will post about my vacation when I get back!

Rain, Rain Go Away... Come Back Another Day!

Well as you must have guess it is raining here today... and it is quite a storm! *lol* Well normally I wouldn't mind the rain but today I planned on borrowing the neighbours lawn mower since ours broke and cut our grass that desperately needs it!!! It is just my luck that when I plan a day of outside work that it rains so that I can't do it! At this rate by the time the weather is nice and I am able to borrow a lawn mower or get mine back from the person that is fixing it our yard will be a jungle and twice as hard to cut! *lol* Well hopefully tomorrow is a nicer day and I am able to cut it then cause I really can't wait too much longer to cut the grass! One thing that I will be grateful to the storm for is if it is nice enough to break this humidity! It is just crazy as to how humid it is... thank god I sleep in the basement and with my fan running it is cooler than the upstairs where we have a small window air conditioner running! *smiles* Well anyways I am going to keep this short and sweet and mosey on out to the living room to wait this storm out with my son as we watch the new superman movie! Have a good one and don't get too wet!

My Hidden Talent?!?!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Do I Really Look Like Them? LOL

I snagged this blog idea from my friend and thought that I would give it a try! What you do is you go to My Heritage and when you upload your pic they will search through thier database to see what celebrities you look like... the results I have found are based on the picture that you uses so for the fun of it you may wanna try different pics with different facial expressions etc and see what you come up with... I had a blast with this tonite while talking to my sister on the phone! The picture that I used at the side is the only one that I have and then I only posted a few out of the 10 pics they gave me as a result! LOL I did see what the results were for other people in my family tho like my sister, her son, my son and my Nona... I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard!!!! Anyways give it a try and see what results you come up with! If you do post it let me know and I will pop by and comment! I just thought this was really fun!

Five Things

5 things in my fridge:
1: Milk
2: Yoghurt
3: Beer... that's T's!
4: Purple Jello
5: Pickles

5 things in my closet:
1: Sweaters
2: PJ's
3: Towels
4: socks and underwear on top shelf in a basket
5: Dress Pants and Dress Shirts

5 things in my purse/wallet
1: Christmas pic of Robert and I
2: Robert's and my birth certificates
3: twenty five cents
4: Bus pass
5: Temporary tatoos for the kids

There was a section for things in the car or trunk but I dont drive so there was no use doing that one so I deleted it... lol!

Lovin The New Face Lift!

Well as you can see my blog has undergone a new face lift! I am really loving it and it is all thanks to my wonderful friend Jacquleyn! Don't you think she did a fantastic job? This is definitely a look that is more my style cause it is bold and stands out and very dramatic!!!
Well now that I have this new look and room to add more features to my blog I am going to have to play arround with it and see what I can come up with... so keep your eye out for what is to come as I still have no idea what I really want to do with it... it all depends on what I learn to do or find that I really like! You will just have to wait and see and keep coming back to find out!!! lol
While you are waiting for me to work on my new masterpiece you should go and check out Jacquelyn's blog ... she has a really nice blog there too!