A Letter From the Heart

I am trying to sit here and clear my head. Do some greatly needed soul searching. Over the last couple of days I have had some strong feelings arise unexpectedly. I need to figure out what I want to do with them.
What DO I want? That is the million dollar question. Here I am 6 years since I have talked to you last, 9 years since we last broke up and 14 years since the day we first met. And you are still able to make my heart skip a beat and take my breath away. That I did not expect to happen.
Do you remember the first day we met? I do, as if it were only yesterday. It was the day I truly believed in love at first sight. It was the day that a complete stranger came up to me and said "Don't I get a hug?". The only thing I could do was step into that embrace and pray that you didn't feel my heart racing. I knew from that moment on that you would become someone special in my life.
Through those years that we dated there was nothing I could do but fall in love with you even more. I had given you my heart and soul and believed we would be together forever. Everyone did.
Yet somehow we drifted apart and I moved on. We both did.And I made myself believe that this was the way it was meant to be. Yet now I honestly don't know. I am starting to think that I let something go when I should have held on tight. But now it is too late and I am wanting something that I no longer have the right to want.
We are different people now. We are no longer teenagers in highschool trying to find thier place in life. Now I must ask myself if I am only wanting something that is based on how I felt all those years ago or is this real and all about now. To be honest I think it is a bit of both. I will never forget how I felt all those years ago and am sure this is some of those feelings resufacing. But I also believe this is about now, and how I am feeling today.
It is about how today as I sit here and stare at your picture my heart continues to skip a beat. It is about today as I sit here and stare at your picture and my love for you is as strong as ever. It is about today as I sit here and wonder if you come close to feeling the same way. Wondering what is going through your head and what YOU want.
I know you feel something too but what you feel I am not completely sure. Are you feeling the tidal wave of raw emotions just like I am? I need to know if we are treading in the same place unsure of where to go. Or are you standing on a solid ground, knowing exactly what you want? And if so what is it?
I respect the fact that this is not easy on either of our parts. But no matter what, even though I have these feelings and would love to be able to act upon them, I won't unless it is a mutual decision. It would be a big leap of faith for the both of us and I respect if you decide that you cannot. I respect you and the life you have now but I had to be true to myself and take this leap of my own. I had to take the risk and find out if I was wrong to feel this way. I had to be true to you and to be honest I had to be true to the both of us and lay all my cards on the table face up. No tricks. No hidden agendas. This is a risk I had to take knowing my heart may end up broken again. I just had to do this so down the road there would be no more regrets.
I love you. Three simple words yet so many complications are attatched. There is my million dollar question answered. Now the question is what now? It is all up to you cause no matter what I decide you have to decide too. I will not fight for something that cannot be fought for. I am leaving it all up to you now for you to do as you feel is right for you.

Love always,
Me